A funny thing happened on the way to romance: How humor influences romantic relationship initiation
Humor Production vs. Humor Appreciation
In a particularly convincing set of studies, Wilbur and Campbell (2011) offered support for humor as a fitness indicator during relationship initiation. They first demonstrated that men report producing humor more than women during relationship initiation, while women reported appreciating and evaluating humor more than men. An analysis of online dating profiles supported these gender differences: men tended to offer humor production (e.g., self-describing as “witty” or an “aspiring stand-up comic”; p. 923), while women indicated they wanted a humor producer (e.g., someone who “can make me laugh”; p. 923). In their final study, Wilbur and Campbell (2011) asked participants about their potential romantic interest in a person depicted in a hypothetical online dating profile. Consistent with sexual selection theory and humor as a fitness indicator, women who rated the person as funnier also tended to find him more attractive, whereas this pattern did not emerge for men. Women’s humor ratings corresponded with inferences of intelligence as well as warmth, a characteristic linked to sharing resources and co-parenting skill (Miller, 2007). In sum, Wilbur and Campbell’s (2011) research offers compelling evidence that humor’s privileged place in flirtatious interactions may stem from its ability to signal underlying fitness.
Alternative Perspectives on Humor
The fitness-indicator model offers one fascinating explanation for humor, but other key perspectives are also worth our attention. Some evolutionary theorists contend that humor evolved to promote social bonding, in dating and in other social context (Storey, 2003). Indeed, for potential friends and romantic partners alike, engaging in a humorous interaction, such as playing a silly game of charades, induces feelings of liking and closeness (Treger, Sprecher, & Erber, 2013). Perhaps humor is a desirable mate characteristic simply because it increases the enjoyment of a social interaction. After all, at least in Western culture, both gay and straight individuals value playful and fun romantic partners (Morgan, Richards, VanNess, 2010).
Taking a slightly different approach, humor’s purpose may be to communicate interest (Li et al., 2009). Unlike the sexual-selection approach, this interest-indicator model suggests humor follows (rather than precedes) romantic attraction, but, like the social bonding perspective (Treger et al., 2013) still allows for a reciprocal relation between humor and liking.
Although different, these three perspectives are certainly compatible. In the mating game, humor may signal underlying positive traits while also communicating interest and increasing the pleasantness of a conversation. Both the interest indicator model (Li et al., 2009) and the social bonding explanation (Storey, 2003) also pick up where the sexual-selection model leaves off, suggesting that people use humor to begin and maintain not only romantic, but also friend, family, and work relationships.
How to Use Humor in Relationship Initiation
Given its potentially important role in relationship initiation, how do people communicate their humor to attractive others? Martin and colleagues (2003) suggest that there are four styles of humor that people tend to adopt in everyday life. The first two, affiliative and self-enhancing, are positive humor styles. Affiliative humor is an amusing, friendly, inviting humor style, while self-enhancing humor reflects a tendency to take a humorous view of life, even in difficult times. The other two styles, considered negative humor styles, are aggressive humor and self-defeating humor. The former evokes laughter through sarcasm, ridicule, or hurtful teasing, while the latter produces laughter at the expense of the self. Positive humor styles tend to be associated with psychological well-being, self-esteem, and social intimacy, while the negative humor styles are linked with more hostility and aggression (Martin et al., 2003). How might these styles relate to relationship initiation success?
The Effectiveness of Different Humor Styles
In order to ask this question, DiDonato and colleagues (2013) generated a series of funny hypothetical first encounters with an attractive stranger. Participants were asked to imagine that they were approached by a stranger while sitting at a bar. They then read a conversation in which the stranger produced either affiliative humor (i.e., positive humor) or aggressive humor (i.e., negative humor). How would you evaluate a stranger who sees you sit down and then says, “That seat is for good looking people only…do you think you’ll do?” The stranger might be joking, but what impression did the joke give you? Participants then rated this stranger on attractiveness for a short-term or a long-term romantic relationship, and judged the stranger’s competence and warmth, allowing the researchers to compare reactions to the different humor styles.
article author(s)
Theresa DiDonato
Theresa DiDonato is an assistant professor of social psychology at Loyola University Maryland. She received her doctorate degree in experimental psychology...more
From the editors
Why might humour play an important role in romantic attraction? DiDonato (2013) traces the reasons from two main perspectives: when humour acts a sexual selection cue, and when humour acts as an interest indicator. I particularly enjoyed the section on “How to use humour in relationship initiation”. Without sounding like a humour recipe book to create humour (which by the way, is extremely difficult to fake), DiDonato gives hints and tips on the type of humour to use and when (e.g., are you looking for a short or long term mate?) which are supported by empirical evidence.
As humour is theorized to evolve as a fitness indicator and due to the differential parental cost (therefore the requirement for females to be pickier), DiDonato identifies the gender difference when it comes to the importance of humour within a potential mate. Indeed, she cites research supporting this trend: men, in general, tend to seek women that appreciate their jokes whereas women, in general, tend to focus on whether the men can make them laugh. Although the trend and rationale makes sense, I can’t help but think about the reverse where women do the initiating instead of men. Are these women still humour absorbers or do they reciprocate in humour production?
Another interesting point regards the different types of humour that exists. Accordingly, there are two main groups of humour styles: positive and negative humour. Based on DiDonato and colleagues’ research (2013), humour styles influence the success of long-term relationship initiation. Positive humour was found to be more beneficial for those who were looking to start a long-term relationship; the style of humour did not really matter for those who were looking to start a short-term relationship. However, social interactions do not happen within a vacuum; I think situational factors may also determine whether positive or negative humour influence the success rate of the relationship initiation. For example, it may be possible for negative humour to work in the man’s favour, especially if the aggressive joke was about an aggressor that the man had just saved the woman from. If used correctly, might negative humour actually reflect the strength or capabilities of the humour initiator? Also, what might be the reaction of men when the woman is the negative humour initiator?
I think it is likely that many of us have come across humour during a relationship initiation in one way or another and this article is definitely relevant to those who are looking for a potential love interest. Does the article agree with what you are experiencing or have experienced previously? Share with us your thoughts and comments below!
Laysee OngAssociate Editor